


The Great Spartacus Bake Off

by SubtextEquals



Category: Spartacus Series (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9171838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SubtextEquals/pseuds/SubtextEquals
Summary: Spartacus signs his friends Agron, Duro, Nasir, and Varro up for a new baking show. But things don't go as planned.In fact, the more Spartacus watches, the more he regrets everything.





	

**Author's Note:**

> "Further prompt: Nagron on the Great British Bake Off. Is GBBO a thing in the US?"
> 
> It is not, but that hasn't stopped me from looking it up, watching a bit, and then smashing my knowledge of reality food competition shows together.
> 
> If you think this all sounds ridiculous, that's because it is.

The screen flickered to life. As the camera panned across a kitchen, a voice spoke. “Our four baking enthusiasts are about to take part in… the Great Amateur Bake Off! Which is, we would like to emphasize due to copyright issues, totally not a rip off of the many similar shows. Especially--”

The narrator’s voice was cut off.

Spartacus watched as one by one, his friends’ faces flashed across his television, each with their own fitting sound bite.

“I’m just here to make my wife proud,” Varro said. “I have a son and a daughter at home and I’m here to prove that their father knows how to bake.”

“Honestly, my friend pushed me into this,” Agron said.

“And he dragged me into it,” Duro added.

“I was never actually paid to bake but when I was younger they made me work in a bakery without pay--”

“Nasir!” came a hiss from offscreen. “You can’t say that. This is supposed to be fun.”

Nasir looked unsettled as his gaze turned to whoever it was that had spoken. “Oh right. Are you going to cut--”

Spartacus groaned. “Oh God.” This was horrible. And, he knew without a doubt, that it was going all downhill from here.

He just didn’t know how badly.

About halfway through the episode, Agron had set his oven on fire due to, he claimed, Duro’s interference.

“How can you set your cake on fire!” Varro pulled Duro away from the almost literal line of aforementioned fire. “We’re supposed to be some of the best amateur bakers in--”

A fire extinguisher muffled the rest of his words. Nasir put it away after he’d sufficiently smothered the fire. Then everyone glared at Agron.

Agron turned at Nasir and smiled. “Thanks. You know, if you really want to see me on fire--”

Duro opened the oven door before his brother finished embarrassing himself. “I can’t wait to see the judges’ faces when you show them this.”

“Oh--” The censor stopped the viewer’s tender ears from hearing Agron’s next word.

And the one after. And the one after that. And actually…

Finally, a commercial.

Spartacus turned the show off until it was close to judging. He checked back in just in time to see looks of disgust and horror at each of the contestants’ cakes. Followed by the contestant’s evaluation of their hour long journey.

“I might not have won but watching my brother set the kitchen on fire was priceless.” Duro grimaced. “But I really could have done without seeing him fool around with Nasir in the kitch--”

It cut to Varro. “I won but I regret everything about this.” He shook his head. “All of it. I can’t believe you were so cheap the prize was a single cupca--”

And now Nasir. “I came in second but next time I’ll come firs-- wait...” he squinted at something in offscreen. “I’m not going to _say_ that. Do you know how that sounds?”

Aaaand Agron. “So the cake was a total [bleep]ing disaster but Nasir promised as long as I stay out of the kitchen, we’ve got a date. And Duro promised as long as _we_ stay out of the kitchen, he can spend the night.”

Spartacus shook his head until the preview came on.

“As our contestants refused to return for the next episode, we’re going with a new theme. Couples Bake Off! Who will win, Crixus and Naevia or Gannicus and Saxa?”

Spartacus buried his face in his hands. And ignored any phone calls from his friends, either congratulating or blaming him for his idea to sign his friends up for this show.

This was truly the cooking show of the damned.


End file.
